Or otherwise known as Hot Yoga. I recently experimented with this form of torture exercise. I had a gift certificate for an unlimited month of hot yoga at a studio near my house. I figured it’s about the temperature of Satan’s armpit outside right now, so how much different could it be? Oh, excu-use me!
First, let me preface this by saying I actually enjoyed it after a while. It is quite the workout (and I’m a bit of a glutton for punishment with exercise), and you really feel like you release a lot of toxins by the end of the class. So I would feel healthier and cleaner by the end. But not without fully dripping from literally every single portion of my body. Did you know your shins sweat? Profusely! It is not something I would continue on a regular basis, but I think it’s good every now and then for strength, flexibility, and detox. I attended between 3-4 classes a week and this is my summary of a hot yoga class in case you’re interested.
1. Arrive for the first class wearing as little as you are comfortable wearing. Quickly realize you’re way overdressed and may overheat just waiting for class to start.
2. Meet your new teacher, who’s really excited, but also warns you that you might feel dizzy or nauseous, and it’s quite normal. She suggests that you just lie down until it passes, but if you have to leave, you’re not allowed back in. Pussy!
3. Set up your mat in the back of the room with a towel on top of the mat. Don’t worry it will be soaked within the first 10 minutes. Also, set a bottle of water next to your mat. Oh you forgot to bring a gallon jug? And you forgot to add ice cubes to it? Sucks to be you!
4. Class begins and you do this weird breathing thing with your hands under your chin, for what seems like forever. Everyone else is making weird “HA” noises as they tilt their heads back to breathe out.
5. Then go through a series of poses. Each pose is assumed twice. Beware if the pose requires you to hold another part of your body, like your foot. It will immediately slip out of your hand from all the sweat!
6. Realize that the teacher has not stopped talking the entire time. Literally. Has she stopped to breathe yet? Is she a robot?
7. Come to full realization that it’s about 104º in the room and the humidity is set at about 60%. Oh gawd you might die now.
8. No really, the teacher is still talking non-stop. And she’s not doing the poses with you. Cheater! What? You can’t hang with the rest of us weirdos?
9. Now it’s time for the inverted poses. Yes, that’s right, stuff where your head is upside down. Aw crap, I have salty sweat stinging my eyeballs. Ew and it just ran into my nose!
10. With every pose the teacher keeps saying: “Only 30 more seconds. Only 10 more seconds.” Awesome, I’ll just count backwards to work through this. Wait a minute lady that was most definitely NOT 10 seconds. Where did you learn to count? “Half-way there” my ass!
11. Ooh, a water break. Oh no, I drank it all and we’re only 1/3 of the way through the class.
12. I’m distracted. The guy next to me is sweating so profusely, the water is literally pouring out of his gym shorts. I thought he was actually peeing.
13. Yay another water break before the floor poses. Well, we’re on the floor now it can’t be any harder. Wait, where do you want me to put my leg?
14. Another strange breathing exercise where you breathe out loudly and quickly in succession for a couple minutes. The entire class sounds like they are practicing Lamaze.
15. Finally, shavasana (corpse pose). I can just lie here, I feel like a sweaty corpse. I’m sure I look like death.
16. Wait, what is this wonderful thing you’ve put in my hand? A cold rag with lavender essential oils? Oh yes. This is the most wonderful rag in the entire world. I will cherish it forever!
17. Return to class a couple days later and about 8 minutes into the class realize you only came back for the cold rag. Crap, 82 more minutes before the end of class.